Are you trying to figure out how to deal with a disrespectful teenager? If so, this video is exactly what you need. In this video, I’ll explain how you can get your disrespectful teens to stop being rude and to stop giving you attitude. I’ve spoken to and worked with over 20,000 teens around the world. So I know which tips and techniques work if you want your teens to speak and behave respectfully. I’ll share with you what you need to know about the teenage brain so that you can engage with your teens more effectively. I’ll also talk about how the online world has influenced your teens’ attitudes and perspectives. With this knowledge, you’ll know how to get through to them so that they’ll be less disrespectful. In addition, you’ll learn about why your teens probably feel powerless, and how this affects them emotionally and psychologically. You’ll be equipped with the tools to empower your teens so that they’ll become less rebellious. I’ll talk about the exact type of phrases and statements you should use if you want your teens to be more open to what you have to say. I’m sure you’ll see positive changes in your teens. Your home environment will become more peaceful too.
Today, you’re going learn exactly how to deal with disrespectful teenagers. I’ll explain how you can get them to stop ignoring you, to stop making rude remarks, and to stop giving you attitude.
I’ve been working with teens around the world for over a decade. so I know tried and tested ways to get them to stop being disrespectful. to get your teens to listen to you. If your teens are disrespectful, you probably feel frustrated and annoyed.
The disrespectful behavior probably gets under your skin. So first, you need to understand why teens behave the way they do. This leads me to Tip Number One.
The ‘downstairs’ brain and the ‘upstairs’ brain.
Understand the teenage brain. Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson explain that there are two important parts of the brain: the ‘downstairs’ brain and the ‘upstairs’ brain. The lower region is the ‘downstairs’ brain, and it mostly refers to the limbic system.
The ‘downstairs’ brain is responsible for emotions like anger, fear, and anxiety. It’s also responsible for instinctive or impulsive responses. Now, let’s talk about the ‘upstairs’ brain. The upper region is the ‘upstairs’ brain, and it mostly refers to the prefrontal cortex.
The ‘upstairs’ brain is responsible for higher-order thinking, planning, solving problems, regulating emotions, controlling impulses, and making good long-term decisions. I know what you might be thinking.
My teens don’t have an ‘upstairs’ brain at all. They only have a ‘downstairs’ brain, because everything they do is impulsive.” That wouldn’t be too far from the truth. Scientists have discovered that the ‘upstairs’ brain is only fully developed around the age of 25. So for your teens, their ‘upstairs’ brain isn’t working that well.
This is why they can get easily frustrated, experience mood swings, and be impulsive. This is also why they can be disrespectful, even when they don’t mean to be. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should excuse all your teenagers’ bad behavior.
I’m just saying that there’s a biological reason for their challenging behavior. So as you empathize and connect with your teens, you’ll help them to use their ‘upstairs’ brain to manage their ‘downstairs’ brain.
When their ‘downstairs’ brain has taken over and they’re angry or overwhelmed, there’s no point trying to have a calm discussion with them. Wait for their ‘upstairs’ brain to be back in control, which could take one hour or even several hours. Then you can talk to them about the situation calmly and have a problem-solving session with them if they are ready. Remember, when teens don’t feel right, they can’t act right. Now, let’s move on to Tip Number Two.
Give Respect Take Respect:
Model the behavior you want to see in your teens. This is one of the most important things you can do.
If you want your teens to be respectful, then you need to treat them with respect. Some of you might be thinking, “Why do I need to treat my teens with respect? When I was growing up, I was expected to obey and respect my parents, even if they treated me like dirt. My teens should show me respect no matter what.” I understand where you’re coming from.
But times have changed over the past couple of decades. Teens today are influenced by what they read and watch on social media, and the internet in general. Teens today believe less in the idea that you should be respected.
Just because of your age, title, or position. Of course, I do think that teens need to learn to show respect for authority figures. At the same time, research has shown that the teenage brain is wired to want status and respect.
That’s why teens hate it when adults talk down to them. If you call your teens disrespectful, and then you proceed to treat them disrespectfully, they won’t have any of it, and things will escalate. So show your teens basic courtesy and respect, no name-calling, no swearing, no shaming, no insulting, and no taunting. Do your best to rise above the level of your teens’ behavior.
You can’t win the battle by descending to their level. You can only win by staying calm, by being consistent, and by modeling a better kind of behavior. and remember the effective approach almost 100% of the time with teens is when you do more listening and less lecturing.
If you’re finding the tips useful so far, “What is one disrespectful thing your teens do or say that frustrates you?” Now, it’s time to talk about Tip Number Three.
Give your teens power.
Give your teens power. That might sound strange, so let me explain. most of my teenage coaching clients tell me that they feel powerless. In many areas of their lives, they don’t have a say about what they can and cannot do, and they don’t have the power to make many decisions.
For example, when teens are in school, they’re expected to just obey instructions, follow these rules, get to school by this time, study these topics, do this homework, meet these deadlines, and so on.
Then when they get home, most teens have more instructions to follow, get to bed by this time, stop using your phone so much, do these chores, don’t watch so much TV, complete your schoolwork, et cetera. Dr. Robert Epstein’s research shows that the average teen is subjected to 10 times as many restrictions as adults and twice as many restrictions as prison inmates.
I don’t know what the situation is like in your home, but the likelihood is that your teens feel powerless.
They want to have a greater sense of independence, but they feel like they’re just supposed to do what authority figures tell them to.
So when teens rebel and become disrespectful, they’re not rebelling against their parents or teachers. They’re rebelling against the use of power. They don’t want to feel like they’re being controlled.
This is a big reason why gaming social media and watching shows and videos are so appealing to most teens. They get to decide what games to play, how to play the game, which photos to look at, and which shows and videos to watch. It’s in this online world of entertainment.
Where they have power, the power to choose, and the power to decide what they think is best. of course, teens need to learn to respect rules and boundaries. But they also need to be empowered. When they have more power, they’ll be more respectful.
This is a finding that’s discussed by developmental psychologist, Dr. Diana Divecha. She has written about various scientific studies that show that teenagers who have more autonomy and more control in their lives are far less likely to display rebellious behavior.
So give your teens freedom within limits. Discuss expectations related to screen time and chores, and anything else that’s an area of conflict. Do your best to arrive at a win-win solution in every situation, or at least a no-lose solution. Help your teens to make informed decisions, but as far as possible, let them have the final say.
The approach that works best with teens is when you do more coaching and less controlling.
When you use this approach, they’ll naturally be less rebellious and less disrespectful.
Let’s move on to Tip Number Four.
Avoid using “you” statements.
Avoid using “you” statements. “You” statements focus on your teen’s bad behavior or negative traits. here are some examples of “you” statements that start with the phrase “you are”:
- “You are so rude.”
- “You are such an irresponsible person.”
- “You are lazy.”
- “You are being ridiculous.”
How would you feel if someone said those types of things to you? You’d probably feel angry, offended, and annoyed. That’s how your teens feel when they hear “you” statements directed at them.
It’s also best if you avoid using “you” statements that start with the phrase “you should.”
Here are some examples of these types of “you” statements:
- “You should stop using your phone so much.”
- “You should start writing things down
- so you don’t forget them.”
- “You should pay more attention in class.”
- “You should wake up earlier so you don’t have to rush.”
Once again, if you use “you” statements, your teens will turn defensive and they’ll start to tune you out.
So how should you communicate with your teens instead? Use more “I” statements. “I” statements are statements that focus more on your feelings instead of your teens’ behavior.
As you might expect, “I” statements typically start with the word “I.” Keep this principle in mind, whenever you’re talking to your teens: More connecting, less criticizing. Here are a couple of examples of “I” statements: “I feel disrespected when you speak to me that way.” Or “I feel stressed in the morning.
When we leave the house late because I’m worried that I’m not going to get to work on time.”
If you talk to your teenagers this way, they’ll feel less judged, and they’ll be more likely to stay calm and speak to you respectfully. So just to recap, use fewer “you” statements and more “I” statements.
Conclusion: There you go, those are my four proven strategies for dealing with a disrespectful teenager.
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